Hush Hush About Me

I write every day but I find that most of what comes out of me I cannot make public for the sake of courtesy and politeness. Something I really didn’t concern myself about in the previous years. I guess I am a late bloomer when it comes to sensitivity to other people’s thoughts and feelings. Well, better late than never. I still do not sensor myself, I pen down what I sense I need to express. I just keep most of it to myself.

The wise said “do not write what you do not want others to read.” I defy that cautionary almost always. I have to write, even about things I intend for nobody else to read. A writer will write. Having an audience is irrelevant to the task. I write to understand my thoughts, my process, my experiences, and my growth – or lack thereof. I have always been the type of writer who does not need a reader other than myself.

I spent the last three days before Christmas of last year reading my journals and burning them afterwards. I guess I just needed to be reminded of my past musings one last time before I surrendered them to the immense mysterious universe. It is a practice I uphold. To let go of the thoughts I do not intend to keep. No matter how true, no matter how strong, no matter how passionate.

Which is why I am sure that nobody else in this planet knows me better than I know myself. And I am certain of the fact that nobody really needs to. Any new knowledge I acquire about the world and the people and things in it always leads me to more knowledge of myself. It inspires from within me a desire to understand why my Maker designed and preordained me so. I believe everything God is teaching me leads me to an understanding of why His love for me caused Him having to create me. Why I was essential in accordance with His objective.

Only once we are fully aware of how God works in our own life will we learn to truly respect the work that He is doing in another person’s life, at a pace that is best suited for that person’s journey. It only has to do with that and not with what others feel or think about it.

Little by little I understand. Still, there are times in prayer when my first inclination is to have God change other people. He would turn toward me and say “Okay, but let’s work on you first.” I’m sure other people prayed for me to change too and I do not doubt that God replied them the same way. God is fair like that. He knows there is nothing wrong with His design. So He repositions us to the vantage point where we can best appreciate to view it. And that He does so lovingly well.

I finally came to an understanding of why I am so comfortable with being misunderstood; and why I do not feel the need to explain myself to people. It is because I am the only one who really needs to fully know. And there is no need to explain me to me. When I accept me I understand.

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